How does one deal with the fact their husband wanted to kill them?

How does one deal with the fact their husband wanted to kill them?

Thankfully for many this is a question they never have to face, but for victims of Domestic Violence it is all too common.  In fact many never get to ask this question and  pay the ultimate price. For those of us who survive, looking death in the face at the hands of your spouse is hell on earth.

Years ago when I married my ex I trusted him. I took vows and believed he would love and care for me for the rest of my life. I took care of him and I believed he would do the same. Unfortunately that was not the case. His inner promise, that I didn’t understand at the time, was to destroy me.

My ex threatened my life verbally and he terrorized me for years. This took a toll on my physical and mental health. I lost an incredible amount of weight, I could no longer eat or sleep. I was slowly dying.

The scariest thing for me was when I faced the fact he knew exactly what he was doing to me. None of his actions were by accident. They were all coldly calculated and very controlled.  He even admitted to it in a calm, cool and indifferent manner. I now know that if I had stayed I would not be here today.

So how does one deal with the fact their husband wanted them dead? I really do not know. I wrestle with this question daily and I fight with it in my sleep.  Part of me logically understands that he wanted me dead. He probably still does. Then there is the other part of me, my heart that cannot accept that the man I loved, married and gave three children too would want to see me wiped out. It is a surreal thought.

Ways to stay safe after you have left;

Protect your privacy.
  • Screen calls with caller ID and request your phone numbers not be listed in directories.
  • Some states offer confidential mail forwarding services for domestic abuse victims so you can avoid giving out your physical address. A post office box can also help keep your street address private.

Close your bank and credit card accounts. If needed, reopen them in your name only.

Program emergency phone numbers into your cell phone. Just a note, do NOT program 911 into your phone per emergency service workers.  Too often they can be called in error when this is done causing unnecessary call outs.
Change your routine when possible. Take different routes home from work, and avoid shopping or visiting in the same locations
Tell those around you that you just left an abusive home. Show pictures of your partner to your neighbors and the local police so they can be prepared if he comes through the neighborhood looking for you. Ask your neighbors to call the police if they see suspicious vehicles or people at your home.

About Janet B:

I am a Domestic Violence Survivor, who battles PTSD. I share what I know to help others on their journey and to help educate society. I also Supervise a Mentoring Program at Verbal Abuse Journals (http://verbalabusejournals.com/). This program matches Survivors who have been out of the abusive relationship for a few years, and are now Mentors,  with Survivors who are either still in an abusive relationship or have just left. A mentoring relationship is set up via email where the Mentor offers guidance and support to the Survivor for as long as they need. Please feel free to sign up for this free service at  http://ow.ly/LSii8

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My facebook page: Freedom Within: My Journey through Domestic Violence and PTSD https://facebook.com/fw.dvptsd

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9 thoughts on “How does one deal with the fact their husband wanted to kill them?

  1. There is no easy way to reconcile how the person you married could so openly display or admit to wanting to see you dead. There may be parts of this you can never really fully come to grips with, because this is contrary to our hearts. We love. We nurture. We care for others and support them. There is no true understanding for an act that takes hatred and anger.
    I was not married to the man who abused me. But he did on several occasions do things that could have ended in a bad way for me. He drove me into the woods in the middle of the night one winter, forbidding me to wear a coat. The last part of the early morning hours that I remember is him walking up to me with a tire iron in his hand… and then nothing more for 36 hours. On another occasion, he had been out running the streets and came home unannounced, stomped into the kitchen as I did dishes and started an argument. I was thrown against the refrigerator, punched in the stomach, picked up by hair, and had my head slammed into the cupboard. When I walked out of the kitchen, I heard the sound of scraping metal, and the next thing I know, I found myself on my back on the kitchen floor, and he was standing over me with a butcher knife in his right hand, raised behind him above his head. His arm began to descend down and I heard the neighbors come home, so I kicked the table, sending everything on it flying across the floor and shattering. This startled him and his arm jerked, and the knife hit the block instead. it was 24 inches from my chest.
    Even though my logic tells me he did these things because he is a monster, my heart still cannot believe that anyone could do anything like this to the person they SAY they love. That they could do something like this to anyone at all. The reality is that it may take you a long time before you can come to a place where you are at peace with the fact that his doing this is NOT a reflection on your worth or fault in the matter to any minutest degree. He did not do these things to you because there was something wrong with you. He did them because HE IS BROKEN, because he cruel. Because he has a monster inside him.
    I have made my peace with this. I became entangled with the Devil, and he was sadistic, relentless, cruel, devious, and brutal. These are his flaws, his brokenness, not mine. They became my life because I was subjected to them by force. I did not allow them to happen, and I never ever believed that anything remotely violent could happen to me. The choice to be with the wrong person. This is how it happened. We loved the wrong person, but they didn’t play fair. They knew these things were who they are, and to be able to have someone to beat up on, they lied. They put on false airs, and wove a story about who they were. And they waited to show us the beast until they knew they had us.
    It became your life, because he made it that way.

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    1. Thank you so much for your insight. I really value what you said, “it became your life because he made it that way.” Thank you. I also really like how you said it became your life because you were subjected to them by force, not that you allowed them to happen. THAT is so true. I can’t stand it when I see picture quotes on fb that say “forgive yourself for allowing it to happen.” I never “allowed” any of it to happen it was, as you say, forced upon me. Thank you for that clarity.

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      1. I hope that in addition to this struggle to understand how he could be so cruel you do not carry shame or humiliation and guilt for your abuse. When I read those “allowing it to happen” things people post, what I see when I read that is humiliation and blame (our abusers even manipulate us into to thinking this, too, is our fault) that says they failed. That they weren’t enough, didn’t do enough, say enough, care enough to find the one thing they needed to do to change and make the abuse stop. That if they were really good people it wouldn’t have happened.
        These simple words perpetuate abuse by taking the blame from where it belongs (the abuser) and dropping it on the victim / survivor with the impact of a five ton weight. It prevents healing. It steals peace and forgiveness. For this is NOT coming to peace with what happened to you. It’s torture. Self-imposed. And to someone who is still struggling with blame or is just fresh out of an abusive relationship, these simple words are so detrimental in terms of healing.
        I am glad that you, unlike so many others, do not sit there pummel yourself with blame. Your reaction to it tells me this. Even though I have not struggled with this after leaving, I have a very strong emotional reaction to this, because the last thing you want to tell an abuse survivor is they ALLOWED IT and they could have stopped it at any time. It hurts because the last thing anyone should want to do is make someone blame themselves more for something they were forced to go through…. and it also brings more shame and can harm their so fragile self-esteem.
        Stay strong. It will all get easier. I promise.
        Amy

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      2. I completely agree, making statements that the survivor allowed it to happen takes responsibility away from the abuser and is all a part of victim blaming. Sadly society often does this or the “it takes two to tango” idea. I definitely know there is nothing that I did to cause him to want me dead. I never made him drive like a maniac “pretending” we were going to crash and laughing when I cried cause he knew I had been in a fatal accident with my mum. This is his demonic behaviour and he is responsible for every bit of it. In time I pray for inner peace around all of this. Thank you again for your valuable insight.

        Take care

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  2. WOW… so much of our lives seem to run parallel. I struggled with that question also. How could I have married a man that wanted me dead. I found comfort when I realized that God had protected me. Also, Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy and will use anyone that he can. Obviously, both of our ex’s were the “weakest link”. I hope you read my book one day. It sounds like we have had similar experiences.

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