Yes really. I prayed for my ex today. Whew that felt weird even to type. Let me explain. In my previous blog I wrote about seeing my “husband” in a few weeks. We were going to be in Court for him sexually assaulting me in the last nine months of our marriage. To say it was a trying experience is a HUGE understatement. There were so many emotions during the trial and since. It has been a journey all in itself. One that I have struggled to put into words, let alone write about. Yet here I am today. Writing. I soon learned, throughout the trial, that our Justice system is not built on focusing on the facts and proving them right or wrong. It is not about the Defense actually defending their client for what they have done. It is about someone being charged, being presumed innocent until proven beyond a reasonable doubt that they are guilty. And anyone who is called as a witness, like myself, is guilty. Guilty of remembering facts wrong, of lying, of over exaggerating, of being vindictive and yes of being mentally unbalanced. Yes those were the things I had to try and prove I was not. Those were the things both the Defense and the Crown asked me to do. It was horrible. Beyond horrible. And in the end to see my ex be enabled by the Courts that yes he can get away with this was sickening. I truly worry for his next victim. I can only imagine the journey she will have. Now I’ll be honest, I absolutely fell apart after the trial was done. I had watched my ex lie one the stand and say he never abused me or our children and I saw his mother support him. It was too much.
On some level I always knew there was denial on his part and his families. Many of them knew, saw or heard my ex abuse us. And by many I would say at least 20 family members. Logically I knew that. Heck my mother in law lied in an affidavit saying she had never seen my ex abuse us so yes logically I understood this. That night though, after the trial, my heart finally got it and it broke. This led to me wailing in the arms of my fiancé knowing that the family I had loved, supported, let into my home and my heart would never see past their fear and help me, my kids or even my ex (he truly needs someone other than me to tell him that his behavior is WRONG and that it cannot continue). I realized then that there was nothing more I could do to help any of them see the light.
Ahhhh the light. Yes the light, or shall I say God, is what guided me to the next part of my journey. God has been with me the whole time. He was with me when I literally fell to knees bawling. I had finally realized that my ex had abused me for over a decade (as a victim you often deny what is happening just so you can survive). I remember begging Him to save me. I remember saying quietly to myself. “Please Lord make it stop.”
My Prayers were answered in the end. It was not instant, and there was a lot of pain along the way, but He did show me that I was strong enough to save myself and my children. I didn’t need his family to finally see the Light and swoop in and stop the abuse. I could do it. With God’s help, many friends and loved ones I could carefully escape and start a new life. That is what I did, with God by my side.
As I said I prayed for my ex today. You may ask how did all of that come about? I mean this is a man who cheated on me, lied, deceived and abused me every way possible. Not only to myself, BUT TO MY CHILDREN! How do you pray for the man who has abused your children??
God told me to.
I was at a Bible study and afterwards everyone was allowed to pray either allowed or silently. I was sitting there with my head bowed when suddenly my ex came into my mind and I heard a voice telling me to pray for him. So I did, out loud. With tears in my eyes I prayed that one day my ex will see the error of his ways. That he will stop lying and denying what he has done. That the horribleness that he must feel inside will finally become too much for him to carry and he will turn to God, ask for forgiveness and will repent.
I do not know if my ex will ever turn to God, but I can pray for him. I can let him go knowing this is a journey I will not be making with him. It is now between him, God and yes that other place.
About Janet B
I am a Domestic Violence Survivor, who battles PTSD. I share what I know to help others on their journey and to help educate society. I also Supervise a Mentoring Program at Verbal Abuse Journals (http://verbalabusejournals.com/). This program matches Survivors who have been out of the abusive relationship for a few years, and are now Mentors, with Survivors who are either still in an abusive relationship or have just left. A mentoring relationship is set up via email where the Mentor offers guidance and support to the Survivor for as long as they need. Please feel free to sign up for this free service at http://ow.ly/LSii8
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