The past 22 years have been one heck of a journey. In that time I met my ex, got married, had babies, was abused, broke free, only to be followed by years in recovery.
The beginning of my recovery was full of numbness. All I wanted to do was sleep. Everything in me was shot; my nervous system, my focus, my emotions, my whole being just fell apart. I lay in bed for hours. Sometimes sleeping and sometimes just staring at the wall in silence. I was in shock for two years.
Thankfully I had loved ones who cared for my children and I. My now fiance picked me up more than once and my sister listened to me tell story after story of my exes abuse. They were and are my rocks.
Slowly I started to live again. I started to get out of bed and interact with my family. I started to be an active mom again! I felt the sunshine on my face, the air in my lungs and that “zombie” feeling,I felt for so many years, started to slip away. I was finding me again.
Recently I bought a horse. She has given me so much in the last six months. A positive focus, a friendship and a desire to be more. Yes more. I want more than just being in recovery!
Many move through trauma recovery wanting who they were before their trauma back. I admit at one time I did too, but not anymore. If I went back to her I wouldn’t have the life lessons my exes abuse taught me or have found the amazing strength within me to survive it or the skills to help my children heal and grow. I wouldn’t be me and I like the me I am post trauma.
Recently I registered to go back to school and I am excited! I am excited about what the future will bring. I will admit that a part of me is nervous. Nervous that I will relapse in my recovery by adding school to my schedule, but I am doing my best to quiet that voice. I am trusting the survivor in me and continuing to move forward. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and make positive life choices. That is how we survive the uglies that life throws at us and learn to live again.