Grooming, for many it is a normal word, something we do to a pet. It has two definitions in the dictionary; 1. look after the coat of (a horse, dog, or other animal) by brushing and cleaning it 2. prepare or train (someone) for a particular purpose or activity. In an abusive relationship grooming is the second definition and it is a horrible thing. The abuser trains or prepares their victim for further abuse. It is done so subtly that often the victim does not even realize it is happening, nor do those around them.
Grooming is done to lower the child’s, and often the families’, inhibitions with the objective of sexual abuse. I will give you an example. A husband and wife have a few children, one is a daughter. She is the father’s favourite, “daddy’s little girl.” They do everything together and often it is just the two of them on outings. The mother is often left at home or left out of activities. The father says its because she has to look after the other kids, but he also never goes out with his wife. Others start to whisper that he treats his daughter more like his wife than he does his wife. Or another father starts watching porn just down the hall from his daughters bedroom and rarely hides what is on the screen if she walks by. Or another starts to cuddle and sleep with his daughter at night, and says he was just reading her books and fell asleep; night after night. Subtly and slowly these men are preparing their daughters for sexual abuse. Getting them so used to the idea sexual touching that it seems normal when it happens, or at least that is what they are hoping. It’s not always fathers and daughters, sometimes it is step-parents, uncles, aunts, babysitters, anyone in a position of trust.
Once the abuse is exposed there is shock felt by those around the victim. Adults ask, “How did I not see it?” If it was a father or stepfather the mother thinks, “I must be a terrible mother not to see it, how did this happen?” It happened because abusers are manipulative. Master manipulators who are playing a giant game of chess. Each person around them is game piece being moved carefully and craftily around the board. So craftily that their opponent does not see that they are about to lose their king until it is too late.
Sexual abuse is devastating to all involved, especially the victim. Many victims turn to drugs, sexual promiscuity and struggle in school or at work. I believe sexual abuse to be the most pervasive form of abuse and it devastates all involved. There can be healing though. The shattered pieces can be picked up and the power taken back from the abuser. It takes counselling and a proper support system for the victim and those close to them, also no contact with the abuser is best. It also takes forgiveness. I am not saying one has to forgive their abuser, that is a very personal decision. I believe those around the victim have to forgive themselves that they did not see what was happening around them. Again, abusers are master manipulators and will only let you see what they want you to see.
If you are being sexually abused, please tell someone you trust. I know it is not easy and you may feel shame or even guilt that this has happened. Please know that none of this is your fault. There is help available. You are not alone. If you suspect that someone is being sexual abused please follow your instinct and tell someone, report it. I know that reporting this, especially if it involves family is scary, but for the victims sake it needs to be done. By law, sexual abuse is against the law. We need to stand up and care for the victims.
If you are a child in need of support you can call Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 for further support.
Until we meet again……