I’m Free

This is a journey that changed me on every level. I am stronger now, wiser and confidence is abounding from me every day. I have found peace.

“This is a disturbing case of violence against a woman and her children occurring over the course of a 13 year relationship.  The three children of the relationship witnessed being physically assaulted and humiliated by there father. The youngest child was subjected to physical abuse starting at the age of 16 months. The father desires access with the children.  He will have no access”

– Judge J. Wilson

31 days ago I received the best Mothers Day present ever! I received the Judgement on my Divorce & Custody Trial.  Just over a year ago I went back to Court for the final time.  It was to have my divorce granted and for the Judge to decide on the custody of my three beautiful children.  My now ex husband decided not to participate in the trial.  We waited over an hour for him to appear, called what contact numbers the Court had  with no answer. So the Court proceeded.   At the end of the first day he called the Court room and spoke to the clerk.  He said he would not be attending the trial, that he had to work and he was refusing to participate in this trial. The Clerk told him that we would then proceed without him.  Over three days Expert Witnesses were brought forward; our long time Family Doctor, my children’s Counsellor and the Custody & Access Assessor. All testified to the mental health of the children, what they had endured while with their father and since as they have been recovering.  I also testified, giving light to what it was like in our abusive home. How I was abused when pregnant, physically assaulted  & humiliated in front of the children. I told her how my son had been physically abused by my ex starting at the young age of 16 months. The Judge heard how most of us have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the abuse.  Judge J Wilson concluded that due to the extreme level of violence in my marriage that having the children in the presence of their father again would be damaging to their health and well being. She feared for their safety.    In a country where Joint Custody is normally granted , even when there has been abuse, the best we have had to hope for was supervised visits, but Judge J Wilson broke new ground.  I was awarded sole custody and he will not be granted any access and I have been granted a lifetime restraining order against him. We. Are. Finally. Safe. ❤

Yesterday was my last day as Mrs G. My ex had also received the Judgement and had contested nothing so it was the end and a day of reflection for me.  I married him with so much love, but there was also so much denial.  There were red flags that I ignored.  I believed we would love each other enough and it would be ok.  Every one said I was so amazing for him, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him so how could we not be ok? But we weren’t. Past blogs will tell you that. It was a marriage full of violence, fear and pain. These are all things that I can now leave behind me.  I can finally close that door and live a new peaceful life with my children and my fiancé.

I have had some amazing people support me on this journey. Family, friends and many Professionals. People who supported me when I wanted to give up, who listened and cheered me on whenever I faced another Court date.  I am so grateful for each and everyone of them.

This is a journey that changed me on every level.  I am stronger now, wiser and confidence is abounding from me every day.  I have found peace.  A friend shared a song with me yesterday called “Free” by Jann Arden  It is so fitting.  I am finally free. I leave you with this song.  Peace be with you.

Janet

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If you are thinking of leaving your abusive relationship I encourage you to create a Safety Plan.  A Safety Plan helps you safely leave an abusive relationship.  Please check out this link;  http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/  Scroll down the page it opens to download it for free.

Are you a Survivor needing  support? You can sign up for a Mentor, someone who has been there, and receive free support and guidance all via email, at :http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/

I love writing for free, but with three kids it can get tight.  So if you like what I write feel free to make a donation towards my work.  Please click on this Paypal link; PayPal.Me/JanetBrownlee to make your donation. Thanks!

 

 

I’ll just be over here laughing

As I head into the New Year I am realizing there is a shift in my healing from my abusive marriage.  What is the shift? I am laughing at my ex. Yes you read that correctly,  I am laughing at my ex.

I used to live in a world that was full of fear.  My ex enjoyed terrorizing me, raping me, physically abusing me and our son and abusing my daughters in ways that I cannot put into words.  I feared him. A lot.  He liked that I was afraid and that I was hurting.  Even my Lawyer, from talking to him, noted that my ex really enjoyed knowing I was in pain over what he had done.  As our family doctor put it in Court, my ex is mentally unwell and is an undiagnosed Sociopath.  So yes I have had every right to fear him.

So why am I laughing? Well I am laughing because my ex can no longer hurt me.  His only contact is his pathetic bashing of me online.  I will admit when I first found out he was attacking me on-line my PTSD kicked in and I was……well unsettled.  Knowing he reads my facebook page or this blog used to bug me.  I did not want him to be able to touch any part of my life.  Now though……well now I really do not care.  I see what he says online and I see it as pathetic and extremely predictable.  Abusers will do this when you leave.  They will trash your name (see my blog The Smear Campaign) to deflect from what they have done and they will watch you online because they still think of you as their property and something they own.  This is what they do. Now that you know that and I know that it almost makes what they are doing pathetic don’t you think? There is nothing special in their actions, they are simply like every other hum drum abuser (is that too crass??!!) It kind of takes away their power doesn’t it?  Well it certainly has for me.

So to my ex, and all of his minions who also follow me online, read away.  I hope you have fun going over what I write, how I share what he did and in turn empower other Survivors to break free.  Please enjoy my work.  I’ll just be over here in the corner laughing at your predictability.

Peace,

Janet

 

To all the Warrior Mums

To all the Warrior Mums, I wanted you to know that I am with you.  I am with you on this journey. Perhaps you are raising children while in an abusive relationship or perhaps you have left and now you are dealing with the aftermath. Either way I know it isn’t easy.   I am with you because I am one of you.

I am a mum to three amazing children.  Two girls and a boy.  They are 15, 11 and 9 years old. They are the lights of my life and I love them very much.  They have often been the reason I have gotten out of bed each day.  Especially when I was in the chaos of my first marriage.  My marriage was abusive.  He not only abused me but he abused my children in various ways.  For the longest time I thought staying in my marriage was the best decision for my children.  I thought that it was better to have two parents, even if it was painful, than to be from a broken home.  I figured the later would be a harder battle.  How wrong I was.

It wasn’t until my oldest, who was 9 at the time, came to me and asked me why did I let daddy treat me so bad that I started to think my children were being affected by the abuse.  When she also asked me to leave him, begged me in fact, I knew that it was hurting my children more if I stayed.  So I broke through my fog of denial.  I faced what was really happening in my home and I reported the abuse to the RCMP.  This started a six year battle of going through the Domestic Violence Court (Criminal Court) and Family Law.  It was painful. It was exhausting and it was traumatizing but in the end I was awarded sole custody and my ex was given no access to our children.  You may be familiar with such a battle.  Moments where you have to sit in the same Court room as them, walk past them and even look at them.  Moments where it feels like your heart is going to leap our of your chest because it is beating so hard, but you do it.  You face all of those battles because you are a Warrior Mum and you want your kids to be safe.

Yes YOU!

Perhaps you have had to send your child/children on a visit with their abusive father.  If you have stayed awake at night wondering if they are safe or thrown up in the toilet because the anxiety of it all is just too much to bear, I have been there too.  I know what it is like to pick up the pieces after such a visit.  To have your children wetting their beds, soiling their pants, suffering nightmares and struggling in school, all because a Judge says equal time with each parent is best.  I get that.  I have been there too.

Like some of you I have had my children turn on me at times.  I have been told that I am weak, that they NEVER want to be like me and that I have poor judgement.  I too have cried by myself when they talk like that because you know that you aren’t weak.  You have fought battles that they know nothing about.  You have taken beatings for them.  You have taken abuse that you would rather not talk about, for them.  It was better if you took the pain, right?  Yes I have been there.  Please know that you are NOT weak.  You are so STRONG.  You have faced Lawyers and Judges, Police Officers and angry family members who don’t support you.  You have done this to try and protect your children.  To keep them safe.  You and no one else.  That makes you Amazing!

I know that the journey is not easy.  I know that they get angry and take it out on you because you are safe.  I know he’s probably left you little money, or isn’t paying child support so you make sure you feed them first and sometimes yes you go hungry for them.  I know all of this because  I have been there too.

Why? Why do we do it? We do it because we have loved them since before they were born.  We have loved them since we saw that little line on the pregnancy test or their little heart beat on the ultrasound.  We vowed at that moment to love and protect them always.  We do it because we are mums.

So please do not give up hope.  Hold on during the tough moments and cheer them on through their victories. Hug them and kiss them and do all you can for them.  You can do it.  You can do it because YOU my dear are a Warrior Mum.

Peace,

Janet

Five years free!

Soon it will be five years since I ended my abusive marriage.  I wanted to take a moment to reflect on where I was and where I am now.  It is always good to look back when such a milestone are reached, not to stay there, but to see how far one has come.

Five years ago I was living with daily abuse.  My ex screaming at me was a daily event, name calling and telling me how worthless I was, mixed in with a push or slam into a wall were his daily pleasure. If he was wasn’t hurting me then I was watching him hit and shake my toddler son. He was in the all powerful role of being in charge. Achieved by instilling fear and tons of intimidation.  The kids and I walked on eggshells wondering when would “dad” snap next and we did our best not rock the boat.

I knew we needed out, but how? How could I escape with three kids? I weighed a mere 108lbs (at 5’10’), my hair was falling out in clumps, a stress rash had taken over my body, I struggled to eat and sleep was barely ever granted to me.  With nights of forced sex and worrying  it was amazing that I got any sleep at all.  How could I afford to be a single mom, pay a mortgage, daycare and groceries ? Could I do it safely? I knew that the most dangerous time for a woman in a domestic abuse relationship is when they are planning to leave or have just left. If it was bad now, what would it be when I left?

When I finally did end my marriage I really didn’t have all the answers to my questions. I just knew I could not carry on one more day in the hell my ex had created. I took a giant leap forward, praying that God would get me through this, and sent my ex a text telling him it was over.  For safety I did not dare tell him this in person. I told him to be gone by 8:00pm or I would report him to the RCMP.  The text was followed by me breaking down simply out of relief.   I went home that night and he was gone. It was over.

 Many Survivors of Domestic Violence, and those who work to support them, will tell you that the journey is not over when you leave. It just changes.   I had to deal with stalking’s, harassment, and my kids were further abused on visits with him. Nightmares set in for all of us (often I had all three of my kids in bed with me), bedwetting from my younger two and my youngest daughter was diagnosed with PTSD, followed by my same diagnosis five months later. Despite all of these hurdles we learned to laugh again, we started to reconnect with my family and friends (that had long been shut out by my ex). I also began to eat and that stress rash disappeared within weeks. My kids relaxed and started to just be kids. We were free.386844_2170052251634_514982225_n

  I did face many financial difficulties, I lost my house, was put on permanent disability for PTSD and had to move. I moved  to be far away from his family.  Family that were yelling at me in public, about how it was all my fault. It was something my kids and I did not deserve. We looked for a fresh start.

A fresh start is what we found. My kids found their interests and I encouraged them to reach for the stars.  I also reconnected with my own interests. For so many years everything had revolved around my ex, his likes and his dislikes. I lost myself in the process.  It has been fun finding me again. I also started a new relationship, one built on trust and mutual respect.

  It hasn’t been the easiest five years.  We’ve faced many challenges and will continue to do so. Recovery from abuse is a life long journey, but  now at least we are safe. I thank God everyday for that. Every step forward takes us away from a very dark time and brings us to days filled with light and love.

Alright, I think it is time to celebrate! 🙂

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Finding Self Worth

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In life there is a battle I think most of us have; finding our self worth.?  I know feeling worthy has been a battle for most of my life, but as of late I feel like I am finding it. Finally.

My battle with self worth started when I was young. I was in a fatal car accident that took my mother and left me terribly injured. The accident was in the summer so when I returned to school in the fall my injuries were healing but I still had to use crutches and my cheek was still swollen from a broken jaw. I had also lost an extreme amount of weight due to my injuries. I looked different than others.

Up until then I had felt confident in who I was inside and out, but the accident and going back to school changed that. Kids teased me mercilessly about my looks and I started to see myself as ugly.

Another prominent moment where I questioned my self worth was when I learned to walk my own again. One of my physical therapy exercises was to walk between two vertical bars back and forth gaining strength. My dad was a priest and the house we lived in and the church were attached to eachother so I would practise my exercises in the church. My father turned two pews back to back and I tirelessly tackled the exercise every day. One day I told myself to take a step without the help of the pews so I did. I nervously stepped forward and I did not fall!! I was so excited and so proud of myself. I walked into the house (very hobbly but still walking) and announced to my dad that I walked on my own!! I expected him to come over and give me a huge hug, but instead he barely looked up from his paper and said “Oh yah.”. I was crushed. Was I not worth praise? Then the phone rang, he got up to answer it and proudly told the caller about my accomplishment. I remember standing there confused. It was then that I learned to be worth something to my father it had to be something that made him look good. It wasn’t about me being worthy, it was about my actions reflecting upon his worth.

Later my father remarried. He married a woman that I tried to like, but she emotionally abused me and my father stood by saying nothing. Again I asked myself, am I not worth it?

As a teen I struggled with various teen issues; puberty, friendships, learning who I was and sadly rape. I was raped by a boy whom I knew while his friends held me down. As they left the boy looked at me and said “Lets see who will touch you now.”

I dated a boy shortly after this and as we got closer I felt unworthy, tainted by what those boys had done and I heard their words in my head so I pushed my boyfriend away.

I took this lack of self worth into my marriage. I put up with far more than I should because I simply did not feel worthy of more.

While I was pregnant with my third child and following his birth my husband was having an affair. The woman belonged to the Fire Department he volunteered in. Her husband had recently left her with two small children. We would see her at BBQ’s with other Fire Department friends. When either would arrive at the event the others face would light up, when I was at work, and he was at home with our girls, he would spend his days at her house. He would take her out golfing because she was lonely yet he never took me anywhere. When the affair was brought to the light of day and I looked at how differently he treated me and I thought once again, am I not worthy of more?

This lack of self worth along with the frightening dynamics of a Domestic Violent relationship kept me in my marriage for three more years. Near the end my husband started to continually rape me and afterwards would call horrible names such as whore, slut, idiot and bitch. I started to believe that I was those things and this only reaffirmed what the school boy said to me after he had raped me, “Lets see who will touch you now.”

I truely believed I was absolutely unworthy.

Has this ever changed?

I am happy to report that it is changing!

When I left my abusive marriage and built my network of support I had people tell me that I was doing all the right things. I started to feel that perhaps I was smart enough. I also had people who blamed me for my husbands arrest and being charged with assault. I realised that his arrest was not my fault it was his. HIS actions had got him arrested. Again my self worth GREW! I started sharing my story with others and helped other Survivors of Domestic Violence. I was told how much they appreciated my help. My self worth started to EXPLODE!!!

Yet when I was on my own and I looked at myself in the mirror I still heard what the school boy and my husband said. I didn’t see any beauty in the mirror. I saw a tired, worn out woman heading into her 40’s looking like she was 50.

Then something changed. Do you remember the other school boy whom I had dated? The one I pushed away because I didn’t feel worthy? Well he came back into my life and we fell in love again. He told me everyday, sometimes more than once a day, that I was beautiful. At first I brushed off his compliments, but one day something clicked. I looked in that mirror and thought, “maybe I am pretty, maybe I am worthy of his adoring love” and I started to believe that I am.

I see the beauty inside and out of me now. I see my strengths and know that I am worthy of happiness. I do not deserve to be someone’s second choice. I do not deserve abuse.  I am strong, smart and sometimes even a little witty. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of good things. I am worthy to have a great life.

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