In a few weeks I will be seeing my “husband”. No it is not for a date and he is not working out of town and coming home. This is for a trial. He has plead Not Guilty for continually sexually assaulting me in the last 9 months of us living together.
In all honesty I don’t like referring to him as my husband. He only has that title in the legal sense. I do not think of him as my husband. We have not lived together for many years and I am seeking a divorce. In all honesty he is someone I used to know.
Yet in a few weeks we will come together.
It will be cold, clinical and formal.
There will be no holding of hands. Or reminiscing of the past. We will not laugh together.
This will be our ending.
I have been asked many times how I feel about all of this. I have to say I am numb. This whole legal process is surreal. There has been unbelievable pain, tears, moments of gut wrenching sobbing, but above all of that it has felt surreal.
When you are a little girl you read and learn by heart the stories of Cinderella, Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. You wonder who you will marry when you get older. Who will be your Prince? Many young girls dream of their wedding long before they think about what they want to have as a career. It’s a strange phenomenon but it is true one. So when you finally do marry you plan the perfect day, find the perfect dress that will take your grooms breath away and you feel like a Princess for a day. Everyone Ohhh’s and Awww’s and wishes you a bright future with much happiness.
What happens, though, when your Prince is suddenly not your Prince? He never was your Prince. He is actually the Evil Guy, the monster that wants to destroy the Princess and put a horrible curse on her. What happens then?
I will tell you.
Your world crumbles. You spin in disbelief, trying desperately to find something solid to hold onto. Everything you have known is a lie. All of the declarations of love, the promises of what would be were nothing but falsehoods. You no longer trust the world around you, you no longer trust yourself or him or anyone. You look at yourself in the mirror and no longer recognize the face looking back at you. Nothing feels real anymore. Someone says the sky is a pretty blue today, you look up and think “yes it is, but is that really blue? Or is that what pink really looks like?” Everything you thought you knew is not what it was.
You fall to your knees and your heart breaks.
Then somewhere amongst all of the devastation you realize that there is a little spark of you left. You blow on that spark and it becomes a flame, soon a roaring fire!! You rebuild yourself. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, hold your head high and start again.
Or at least that is what you want to believe. On some level a lot of that happens, but you still feel betrayed, you still question everything around you. You still shake your head and wonder how he conned you so well. You still try to make sense of the insensible.
Then you realize you have to let go.
You have to let go of who you thought he was. You let go of what you thought you meant to him, because you realize that none of it was real. You were just a pawn in a very sick game. You let go, turn your back and walk away. You have to in order to survive.
So how do I feel about seeing my “husband” in a few weeks? As stated before I do feel numb and a lot of this is still surreal. I never thought this is where I would be when I said “I do,” but it is where I am. I will face each moment with determined grace and strength.
In time though, when the numbness wears off I might have some different answers for you. I think that will involve another blog.
About Janet B
I am a Domestic Violence Survivor, who battles PTSD. I share what I know to help others on their journey and to help educate society. I also Supervise a Mentoring Program at Verbal Abuse Journals (http://verbalabusejournals.com/). This program matches Survivors who have been out of the abusive relationship for a few years, and are now Mentors, with Survivors who are either still in an abusive relationship or have just left. A mentoring relationship is set up via email where the Mentor offers guidance and support to the Survivor for as long as they need. Please feel free to sign up for this free service at http://ow.ly/LSii8
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