Victim Blaming and the Lies they tell you

The first time my ex was arrested for assaulting me was July 2009.  He was actually arrested for assaulting myself and our toddler son.  Like so many other abusive relationships the abuse had been escalating prior to his arrest.  He was relentless at screaming at me, at abusing our young son and physically abusing me.  Our oldest daughter, who was 7, was telling me that she wished we would get divorced, that she was scared of her dad and wanted all of this to stop.  I wanted it to stop too. I would ask him to stop, I would raise my voice, I would stand in between his fist and our son, I kicked him out and he would just come back.  It was horrible and there seemed to be nothing within my power that could make it all stop.  I felt helpless.

So one evening I dropped our daughters off at a Vacation Bible School and I pushed my stroller, with my young son in it, and walked into our local RCMP detachment.  I was met by some officers.  I looked at them point blank and said, “You need to help me. My husband is hurting us.” I was taken into a back room and just started talking.  I did not know what they needed to know or what I was supposed to say I just started letting it all out, telling the officer every detail of what had been happening at home.

The officer spoke to a Prosecutor and the Prosecutor agreed that an arrest could be made.  I was told to get my daughters and not go home until one of the officers called me to say that the arrest was made and it was safe to go home.

I was shaking as I left.  I could not believe I had told everything I had told.  Perhaps now the kids and I would find peace. I went and picked my daughters up at the Vacation Bible School and then wondered, “Where do I go?” I had no idea.  For the longest time I sat with the kids on that church lawn not knowing what to do next.  I could not go to my in laws, I did not have a close friend in town to call on, where could I go? I called a friend who lived in the next town over. We hadn’t seen each other in awhile but hopefully she would be ok with us coming to her home.  Thankfully she was and soon I was sharing my story with her and her husband in their living room waiting for the RCMP to call.

It was not until 10:00pm that I received a call that it was ok to come home.  I was told that he had been arrested, then allowed to leave in our van and that his plan was to go to his moms in a city nearby.  I breathed a sigh a relief.  It was over.

Or so I thought.  It really was not over.  I came home to a ransacked house.  There were things all over the floor, it was obvious to me that my ex had not gone easily. My friends husband made sure the house was secure and I put my kids to bed.  After my friend and her husband left I sat on my couch for hours in silence, just staring at the wall.  I was literally stunned. The silence stunned me.  I was so used to his endless screaming I almost did not know what to do in the silence.  So I just sat there for hours doing nothing.  At about 2:00am I wrote an email to my family telling them of the abuse and the arrest.  I had kept them in the dark for over a decade.  I then finally went to bed.

In the weeks that followed the victim blaming comments started to come my way;

“YOU got him arrested!”

“I know he hurt you but did YOU have to involve the Police? They slammed him into walls and really hurt him!”

“He is so sad.  YOU have to forgive him.”

You. You. You. YOU!

But it wasn’t me. It was HIM.

I had a Lawyer tell me, “They will blame you. A lot. But you did not get him arrested.  His actions did and in Canada the Crown charges him not you. You did the right thing.”

I knew in my heart that I had done the right thing.  I knew that I had begged him to stop so many times.  I started to tell those who blamed me;

“I didn’t get him arrested.  All I did was tell them what he was doing. The RCMP and the Crown decided that was he was doing was illegal.  If it was not illegal they would not have arrested him.”

I don’t know if my words ever resonated with these people.  I think they still blame me and when I saw my ex again he definitely blamed me.

Victim blaming happens by the perpetrator to deflect what they have done so that they do have to take responsibility.  It is done by their supporters so that they too can deflect and not admit what really happened. For some people it is easier to keep lying to themselves then face the truth. Unfortunately this behaviour only continues to abuse the victim.

If you have been subject to victim blaming I want you to know that what happened is NOT your fault.  It is the abusers.  It is highly unlikely that they will ever take responsibility for what they have done. To take responsibility they have to want to change and abusers like the power abusing others gives. In their head, why would they change? I want you to know that no matter what those blamers say you are not what they say.  You are not the nasty names they may call you. They may try to say that it is your fault too, that it takes “two to tango” in a relationship for there to be problems. The thing is that when it is an abusive relationship you are not having regular arguments.  It is about one person wanting power and control over another and they are achieving that through fear and intimidation.  They are overpowering you, not arguing about what is for supper that night. What they are doing is completely and absolutely wrong and illegal. The abuser is the one who needs to take responsibility not you. Period.

The victim blaming that happened after my relationship continues to this day, but I have walked away from it.  I no longer care what any of his supporters say about me because I know it is not the truth and I am confident in who I am and that I did nothing to deserve the abuse that happened to me. It is a freeing feeling to walk away from it all.  I encourage you to do the same if you are caught in it.

Peace, untitled.png 567

Janet

If you are thinking of leaving your abusive relationship I encourage you to create a Safety Plan.  Like a how a fire drill helps you safely escape a fire, a Safety Plan helps you safely leave an abusive relationship.  Please check out this link;  http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/  Scroll down the page it opens to download it for free.

Are you a Survivor needing  support? You can sign up for a Mentor, someone who has been there, and receive free support and guidance all via email, at :http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/

I love writing for free, but with three kids it can get tight.  So if you like what I write feel free to make a donation towards my work.  Please click on this Paypal link; PayPal.Me/JanetBrownlee to make your donation. Thanks!

Advertisements

I’m Free

This is a journey that changed me on every level. I am stronger now, wiser and confidence is abounding from me every day. I have found peace.

“This is a disturbing case of violence against a woman and her children occurring over the course of a 13 year relationship.  The three children of the relationship witnessed being physically assaulted and humiliated by there father. The youngest child was subjected to physical abuse starting at the age of 16 months. The father desires access with the children.  He will have no access”

– Judge J. Wilson

31 days ago I received the best Mothers Day present ever! I received the Judgement on my Divorce & Custody Trial.  Just over a year ago I went back to Court for the final time.  It was to have my divorce granted and for the Judge to decide on the custody of my three beautiful children.  My now ex husband decided not to participate in the trial.  We waited over an hour for him to appear, called what contact numbers the Court had  with no answer. So the Court proceeded.   At the end of the first day he called the Court room and spoke to the clerk.  He said he would not be attending the trial, that he had to work and he was refusing to participate in this trial. The Clerk told him that we would then proceed without him.  Over three days Expert Witnesses were brought forward; our long time Family Doctor, my children’s Counsellor and the Custody & Access Assessor. All testified to the mental health of the children, what they had endured while with their father and since as they have been recovering.  I also testified, giving light to what it was like in our abusive home. How I was abused when pregnant, physically assaulted  & humiliated in front of the children. I told her how my son had been physically abused by my ex starting at the young age of 16 months. The Judge heard how most of us have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the abuse.  Judge J Wilson concluded that due to the extreme level of violence in my marriage that having the children in the presence of their father again would be damaging to their health and well being. She feared for their safety.    In a country where Joint Custody is normally granted , even when there has been abuse, the best we have had to hope for was supervised visits, but Judge J Wilson broke new ground.  I was awarded sole custody and he will not be granted any access and I have been granted a lifetime restraining order against him. We. Are. Finally. Safe. ❤

Yesterday was my last day as Mrs G. My ex had also received the Judgement and had contested nothing so it was the end and a day of reflection for me.  I married him with so much love, but there was also so much denial.  There were red flags that I ignored.  I believed we would love each other enough and it would be ok.  Every one said I was so amazing for him, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him so how could we not be ok? But we weren’t. Past blogs will tell you that. It was a marriage full of violence, fear and pain. These are all things that I can now leave behind me.  I can finally close that door and live a new peaceful life with my children and my fiancé.

I have had some amazing people support me on this journey. Family, friends and many Professionals. People who supported me when I wanted to give up, who listened and cheered me on whenever I faced another Court date.  I am so grateful for each and everyone of them.

This is a journey that changed me on every level.  I am stronger now, wiser and confidence is abounding from me every day.  I have found peace.  A friend shared a song with me yesterday called “Free” by Jann Arden  It is so fitting.  I am finally free. I leave you with this song.  Peace be with you.

Janet

11231745_419431004904866_6508030370851813685_n

 

If you are thinking of leaving your abusive relationship I encourage you to create a Safety Plan.  A Safety Plan helps you safely leave an abusive relationship.  Please check out this link;  http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/  Scroll down the page it opens to download it for free.

Are you a Survivor needing  support? You can sign up for a Mentor, someone who has been there, and receive free support and guidance all via email, at :http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/

I love writing for free, but with three kids it can get tight.  So if you like what I write feel free to make a donation towards my work.  Please click on this Paypal link; PayPal.Me/JanetBrownlee to make your donation. Thanks!

 

 

It’s tough out there, so please support Survivors

Often, as I work with Survivors of Domestic Abuse, I hear how the life after abuse is much harder than living with the abuse. It’s sort of ironic to say that, but as a Survivor myself I do agree with that statement. For someone who has never lived with abuse you may ask, “How is that possible?” “Wouldn’t a life free of abuse be easier as you wouldn’t be abused?” Good question and you would think that would be the case, but in many ways it is not. Let me explain.

When you are in an abusive relationship, over time the abuse becomes familiar. Yes it is horrible but it is what you know. When I was in my abusive marriage the abuse was a terrible thing to endure, but it had become my normal. When someone would suggest leaving I became scared. I had lived so long in an abusive world that the healthy world outside of that was scary and unknown. Would I have financial security if I left? Would my kids be ok without their father? Would I lose the family home? Could I be a single mom? So many questions like that flooded my mind and after years of being told by my ex, through actions and words, that I was worthless I truly believed I could not achieve a good life if I left my marriage. I believed everything would fall completely apart.

There is a line that I have heard that is true; “A victim of domestic abuse will not leave until the idea of staying is scarier than the idea of leaving.” That is exactly how it was for me. It was not until that fateful night when my ex admitted to me that he knew he was raping me and hurting me (up to that point I had lived in a world of denial to survive, thinking that he must not realize what he was doing because how could my husband consciously hurt me this way?) that I fully realized who I was dealing with. I was dealing with a dangerous man who was ok brutally hurting me and I knew at that moment that if I did not figure a way out of my marriage I may not survive it. Suddenly I no longer cared what my obstacles to leaving would be I wanted to live and I was going to figure out how to do just that.

For every Survivor their moment is different. For some it is being brutally attacked that ends everything for them, for others it may be seeing their children get hurt, for each one it is different and it is powerful. They will reach that moment where suddenly they are done and they have nothing left to give and they will decide to leave no matter what it costs them. It becomes a matter of life or death spiritually, emotionally, mentally and for many physically.

It is at the point of leaving, and the time following leaving, that a Survivor needs the most support. This is the time when new and often difficult obstacles come their way. For many they are unsure how to make decisions on their own. They have lived a life where every thought, every move has revolved around their abuser. As a result the Survivor has lost their internal compass. The simplest task can be confusing and overwhelming.  It is then that family and friends need to be with the Survivor. To listen to them, to hear their stories, to be there when they cry, help them with errands as focusing on day to day can be overwhelming. I, thankfully, had a great support system including family and friends. Once I realized that I needed to leave my abusive marriage I knew I could not do it on my own. I knew I needed support. Most of it was emotional support and some financial. I created a network involving friends, family and professionals. I reached out to whatever support I could get to help myself and my kids through this transition. That support system helped me during my weak times. The times when the obstacles became too much; paying my mortgage on my own, dealing with a child’s meltdown on my own or even dealing with my own pain, I thought it would be easier to return to my marriage. My support system was key to keeping me going. They listened, they encouraged and they consoled me. They reminded me how strong I am and that I could do this journey on my own without returning to abuse.

For many life following abuse is an up and down journey. After living in trauma many struggle to sleep, have night mares, struggle to eat healthy, suffer a lack of focus and for a child their grades may drop. Often both the Survivor and their children battle with depression and PTSD. There abuser may stalk or harass them. It is a hard road. Counselling is always a good option during this time and or connecting with other Survivors in support groups can help. Knowing there are others out there facing the same battle can help a Survivor realize that they are not alone.

There will probably be times on that road where the Survivor may think it is just easier to go back to what they know and they may return to their abuser. Please do not give up on the Survivor during those times. On average a Survivor will leave 7 times before the relationship is truly over. For me it was four times. For others it could be ten. It’s during those times though that they need your support, your voice of reason to remind them what they are worth and to not give up on them. They already have an abuser telling them that they are worthless so it is important to still be there for them, if even at a distance, so they know that someone out there does believe they are worth it. I know for friends and family it can be extremely hard to see your loved one return, but try to hold on, they do need you.

Leaving an abusive relationship is often noted as one of the harder cycles in life to break. It is so intricately tied to a person’s self worth, self esteem, how they think and feel that it feels like you have to break through a 1000 spider webs. It can be done though. It has been six and a half years since I left and I am finally feeling like I am over the worst of it. My life is feeling more balanced from day to day. The night terrors have diminished, the flashbacks have mostly drifted away and I feel a sense of peace. I know that what happened is always going to be a part of me but it no longer dominates my day to day. I feel blessed to be where I am. It took a lot of hard work and perseverance to get where I am. There were times where I wanted to throw in the towel and just crawl under my blankets and disappear, but deep down I refused to let him win. I refused to let his abuse destroy my life. I relearned and accepted that I am worth more than his abuse and once I accepted that there seemed to be no turning back.

If you are a Survivor of abuse please know that you are not alone and you are so worth a life free of abuse. I know that the idea of leaving is daunting, but please know there are supports out there waiting to help you. Check your phone book for local supports or Google on line, reach out to a friend or loved one and know that there is a better life out there just waiting for you to grab it.

 

Peace,

Janet

 

If you are thinking of leaving your abusive relationship I encourage you to create a Safety Plan.  Like a how a fire drill helps you safely escape a fire, a Safety Plan helps you safely leave an abusive relationship.  Please check out this link;  http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/  Scroll down the page it opens to download it for free.

Are you a Survivor needing  support? You can sign up for a Mentor, someone who has been there, and receive free support and guidance all via email, at :http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/

I love writing for free, but with three kids it can get tight.  So if you like what I write feel free to make a donation towards my work.  Please click on this Paypal link; PayPal.Me/JanetBrownlee to make your donation. Thanks!

Take your permission back

I remember the moment I gave my ex “permission” to abuse me.  I did not do this by outright telling him he could hit me or hurt me some other way.  I told him by protecting him.  It was back in 1998-99.  We were dating and living in our first home together.  It was a Saturday morning and he was making us omelet’s for breakfast.  He asked me if I wanted onions in mine.  I was confused by this question because he knew I did not like onions, but I still answered him and said, “No thanks.”  Suddenly he started yelling at me and threw the frying pan in my direction.  I was beyond shocked, what had just happened? He then stormed through the dining room into the living room.  I followed him asking him what was wrong, what had I done?  He turned around and told me to “Shut up or I will slap your mouth shut for you!!” I was speechless.  He had never threatened me like this.  What was wrong??  He started to walk away into the spare room, I followed wanting to calm him down.  As he entered the bedroom he slammed the door in my face, but I put my right hand up at the last second to stop the door.  As a result it got caught in the door jam.  He was pushing on the door so I started to scream, “My hand, my hand is in the door!” and then I felt him push even harder on the door.  I screamed some more and suddenly he released the pressure on the door and stormed past me.  I looked down at my hand and my middle finger was split open down to the bone.  I started to cry and I grabbed some Kleenex, trying to stop the blood flow.

My head was spinning.  I could not comprehend what had just happened.  How could he hurt me like this? Why didn’t he care? Where was he? It was then that I realized he had left the house. I looked at my finger and I knew I needed stitches, but what would I tell the doctor? I couldn’t tell him or her what had really happened? They would arrest him and I loved him. I couldn’t let that happen.  So I wrapped up my finger as best I could.

Later he came home.  Not a word was said between us.  I did not question his actions and he did not explain himself.  We acted like it had not happened.

The next day, and for the next few days, I stayed home from work.  I worked in the Corporate World and typed all day long.  I was so ashamed of what had happened.  How could I explain this to my co workers? What would I say had happened? I could not tell them the truth.  So, instead, I said I was sick and stayed home.  Later that day my exes mom came over for a visit.  She was shocked to see the swelling on my right had and the bruising that had developed. “What happened?” she gasped.  I opened my mouth, not knowing what I should say.  Could I tell her the truth?  It was then that I saw my ex appear behind her, staring at me with a cold dead look.  A shiver went down my spine.  I knew then that I had to lie.  What would he do if I told the truth? So I looked at his mom and just said, “Oh I caught it in the door”, nothing more was said.  I saw my ex relax and turn away.

In that moment I gave him permission.  I told him  that I would lie for him, I would cover up his abuse.  I told him that I would let him abuse me and from that day on he did, over and over again.  I also enabled him by not making him take responsibility. Like so many other victims I wondered what I had done wrong.  Not for a moment did I think that he was responsible for his reactions to me saying no to the onions.  It did not enter my head that it was HIS choice to throw the frying pan.  It was HIS choice to threaten me and it was HIS choice to keep pushing on that bedroom door.  I did not make him do those things nor did I provoke him.  I just said no to wanting onions in my omelet.  That is how, as victims, we keep ourselves down.  We take responsibility for their abuse.  We look at ourselves and think that we must be a horrible person to make the one we love act this way.  In doing that we abuse ourselves and our abuser is happy to let us do that.  It makes his or her job easier to break us down.

I encourage you to stop enabling your abuser.  They are responsible for any abuse they do to you.  Also please know you are not horrible or whatever he or she tells you.  You are beautiful.  You Deserve a life free of abuse!  When it is safe to do so hold your abuser accountable and take your permission back!

 

Peace,

Janet

If you are thinking of leaving your abusive relationship I encourage you to create a Safety Plan.  Like a how a fire drill helps you safely escape a fire, a Safety Plan helps you safely leave an abusive relationship.  Please check out this link;  http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/  Scroll down the page it opens to download it for free.

I love writing for free, but with three kids it can get tight.  So if you like what I write feel free to make a donation towards my work.  Please click on this Paypal link; PayPal.Me/JanetBrownlee to make your donation. Thanks!

Find Freedom and let go of the guilt

I was walking home from feeding my horse today and a thought entered my mind,  as an abuse Survivor I have been asked to carry a lot of unnecessary guilt.  Perhaps you are familiar with that.  Perhaps your abuser blames you for their latest outburst or perhaps their family says, “well if you just did this……he wouldn’t explode.” Let me tell you right now that this is not your guilt to carry. None of it.

It is extremely rare for an abuser to ever take responsibility for their actions.  That is simply why they never change.  They may say they are sorry, but it is not just their words that need to change, their actions must change as well.  The majority of the time an abuser will apologize because they are afraid of losing their control over you so they apologize and perhaps say they accept some blame simply to win you back.  This is called the Honeymoon stage in the abuse cycle.  That part of the cycle may last for a month, or a week or maybe even just a day but without professional help an abuser will abuse again.  So please do not look at these apologies as the abuser taking responsibility.  These apologies are a part of them continuing to manipulate you so that they can continue controlling and abusing you. abusewheel

Instead of taking responsibility an abuser will put the blame on you for what has happened.  Sometimes they verbalize it by saying, “If you had just left me alone……or “If you had just kept the kids quiet I wouldn’t have….”or some other statement like that.  Please do not think for a moment that any of this is your fault.  The abuser is completely responsible for their own actions. They are adults and are able to know the difference between right and wrong.  Please do not take on the responsibility that their abusive actions are your fault.  Yes they want you to believe they are your fault so that your self esteem is crushed and they do not have to be held responsible for what they have done.  All of this wears you down, keeps you weak and makes you easier to control.  Instead of being their victim, be a Survivor and say, “No, it was your choice to yell or hit and throw” (or whatever it is that they did).  They made the choice to hurt you and yes they knew exactly what they did.  Let me also tell you that you could be completely perfect by keeping the kids quiet or making sure the house was clean and they will still abuse you.  Blaming you for your actions is just their way of justifying their abuse to themselves and often to others. Unfortunately there are others who will agree with them, but please know that without a doubt NONE of this abuse is your fault.  It is all theirs. So let go of that responsibility and that guilt! Hold your head high and know that you deserve more than this abuse.  Be free!

Peace,

Janet

 

If you are thinking of leaving your abusive relationship I encourage you to create a Safety Plan.  Like a how a fire drill helps you safely escape a fire, a Safety Plan helps you safely leave an abusive relationship.  Please check out this link;  http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/  Scroll down the page it opens to download it for free.

I love writing for free, but with three kids it can get tight.  So if you like what I write feel free to make a donation towards my work.  Please click on this Paypal link; PayPal.Me/JanetBrownlee to make your donation. Thanks!

Trolls and other such things

So a “troll” or perhaps she is someone connected to my ex, commented on my facebook page today.  It was in regards to my last post regarding the  child support, or lack thereof, that I received from my ex.  In it she educated me on how Maintenance Enforcement works in Canada, all things I already knew, and proceed to tell me how negative I am on my page, my blog and to the people in my life.  She was banned from the page.  I don’t like trolls.  I don’t think anyone does.
 
I reflected on her comments for a bit.  Criticism is always a good time to reflect and see if  there is room for personal growth. I asked myself if I am negative, is the page or my blog negative and the answer that kept coming back to me was, no.
 
I share my journey, hence the name of my page and my blog, both good and bad. There are definitely things WITHIN my journey that are negative because I and my children were abused by my ex and their father, but I nor my page or my blog is negative.  It is the abuse that is negative. 
 
Now it is very possible that this person is somehow connected to my ex.  Obviously she would only hear one side of the story, his. Being he is an abuser, and abusers will lie, not take responsibility for their actions and will smear their victims name it would be no surprise that she would see me as negative.  I get that. Unfortunately for Survivors of abuse,  her opinions are so common when abuse is exposed. There will be people who will want to keep the Survivor quiet and believe the lies that the abuser tells them.  This could be because they have only ever seen the “Mr. Nice Guy” that is in all abusers.  The one who plays the doting father and husband (or wife or mother) in public, but they do not see who that person is behind closed doors.  They do not see the real person that they are.  In small ways I cannot blame the family or friends in an abusers life for not believing the Survivor.  They will have been snow balled just like the Survivor was in the beginning of their relationship. At one time the Survivor believed this person was caring and loving.  It wasn’t until the Mr. Nice Guy mask started to slip that they started to see who this person really was.  Even then most Survivors live in denial for a long time, not wanting to believe that the person they love is cruel and means to do the mean things they do.  It can take years for a Survivor to finally acknowledge what is happening to them and to finally break free.  I know for me it took 15 years to finally be able to walk away. 
 
My other thought is that this woman is abused herself and often what we do not want to see in our own life will be seen as negative when it is brought to light in someone else’s.  If that is the case I hope that one day she will find a life free of abuse. 
 
Lastly, I know my ex the best.  I have seen every single side of him.  I know exactly what he is capable of so not a troll or a supporter of his will make me back down in exposing what he did behind closed doors to myself and our children.  I share my journey to let other Survivors know that they are not alone.  I also share  how I handle it to help empower other Survivors currently in or recovering from an abusive relationship.  
 
If you have found yourself in similar shoes with a supporter I empathize with you.  I know it can be a tough road when others are trying to silence you and do not want to hear the truth about someone’s abuse of you.  I encourage you to keep speaking your truth.  You know what happened and so does your abuser, hence why they are trying to silence you.  Abusers hate exposure.  You are strong.  You can withstand what others say.  I believe in you!
 
Peace,
 
Janet

I want more!!!

The past 22 years have been one heck of a journey.  In that time I met my ex, got married, had babies, was abused,  broke free, only to be followed by years in recovery.  

The beginning of my recovery was full of numbness. All I wanted to do was sleep. Everything in me was shot; my nervous system, my focus, my emotions, my whole being just fell apart. I lay in bed for hours. Sometimes sleeping and sometimes just staring at the wall in silence.  I was in shock for two years. 

 Thankfully I had loved ones who cared for my children and I. My now fiance picked me up more than once and my sister listened to me tell story after story of my exes abuse. They were and are my rocks. 

Slowly I started to live again. I started to get out of bed and interact with my family. I started to be an active mom again! I felt the sunshine on my face, the air in my lungs and that “zombie” feeling,I felt for so many years, started to slip away.  I was finding me again. 

Recently I bought a horse. She has given me so much in the last six months. A positive focus, a friendship and a desire to be more. Yes more. I want more than just being in recovery! 

Many move through trauma recovery wanting who they were before their trauma back. I admit at one time I did too,  but not anymore.  If I went back to her I wouldn’t have the life lessons my exes abuse taught me or have found the amazing  strength within me to survive it or the skills to help my children heal and grow. I wouldn’t be me and I like the me I am post trauma. 

  Recently I registered to go back to school and I am excited! I am excited about what the future will bring. I will admit that  a part of me is nervous. Nervous that I will relapse in my recovery by adding school to my schedule, but I am doing my best  to quiet that voice. I am trusting the survivor in me and continuing to move forward. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and make positive life choices. That is how we survive the uglies that life throws at us and learn to live again. 

Peace, 

Janet 

They may not tell you, but I will 

They never tell you how hard it will be once you leave your abusive relationship.

They never tell you how many years you won’t be able to sleep or the bags you’ll get under your eyes. Or how some days all you will want to do is sleep. 

They never tell you the pain you will  feel years after you have left.

They never tell you that you’ll see counsellor after counsellor, Psychiatrist’s too just trying to get your head right.

They never tell you how you will struggle to get out of bed. Not for a day or a week, but for two years. Two years of detoxing from trauma.

They never tell you that you might not be able to work, that you’ll lose your home and most of your possessions.

They never tell you how much your kids will hurt. How shattered they will grow up even though you try to do everything right.

They never tell you.

You can’t imagine how many tears you will cry and think that you can’t possibly take one more step.

They just never tell you.

They tell you to leave, go somewhere safe, but after that…..well they don’t tell you what happens after that.

They also don’t tell you how you will find strength deep down inside of you that you never knew existed.

They don’t tell you how you will find a way to fight every battle with your head held high.

They don’t tell you that you will survive, but I will tell you.

I will tell you that it will be hard, that your heart will hurt and your knees will shake, but you will soldier on. That you are so much stronger than you think and that someday you will look back with a smile and say, “Hey, I did do all of that!”

I left.

I got help.

I found a new home.

I helped my kids.

I healed. We healed.

Or perhaps I should say we are healing.

Every step forward we are healing.

They may never tell you all of that, but believe me when I say, you will survive. I promise you that.

Peace, 

Janet 

It’s been two years….

It’s been two years.  It’s been two years since I faced all of my fears and faced my ex in Criminal Court. He had been charged with continual sexual assault against me  in the last nine months of our marriage. I am going to admit to you that this is hard to write about and so very hard to think about, but I will do my best to share my thoughts.

It’s been two years.  It’s been two years since I faced all of my fears and faced my ex in Criminal Court. He had been charged with continual sexual assault against me  in the last nine months of our marriage. I am going to admit to you that this is hard to write about and so very hard to think about, but I will do my best to share my thoughts.

In Canada only 6 out of every 100 sexual assault is reported to Police.  Many victims either don’t want Police involvement, have dealt with the assault in another way or feel it is a private matter and they do not want it in the Courts.  For myself it was two years after the assaults when I went to the RCMP.  Why did I wait two years? Well the Defence in my trial wanted the Jury to believe that the rapes never happened and that I only came forward two years later with a fabricated story and that I was seeking revenge. This of course was not the case.  The report was filed when it was because that was the  point where I was ready.  I was ready to talk about the worst nine months of my marriage. Sexual Assaults are extremely personal, hugely traumatic and full of shame.  After my ex assaulted me he would call me horrible names; whore, bitch, idiot, slut and so on. He would sit at the end of our marriage bed spewing this horribleness at me while I could hear our toddler son in the next room. I started to think that perhaps I was those things. Was I asking for this? Was I doing something during the day that let him think I did want these rapes to happen? No. No I was telling him not to touch me, not to sleep in our bed and to leave me alone, I knew that.  I was not asking for this yet he still somehow made it my fault, and so did the Defence.

I have never been involved in any other Criminal Court Cases, but I do know that the most used tactic, by Defence Lawyers, in Sexual Assault Trials is to put the victim on trial.  Every move you have made before and after the assault is scrutinized. You are blamed for not fighting hard enough, for not locking that bedroom door, for not doing enough to stop the assaults.  Victim blaming at it’s best and wow can that ever play with your head.  Defense Lawyers are just like abusers.  They implant ideas and motives as to why you did not fight the way they thought you should and make it all your fault.  You can  easily end up doubting yourself. Could I have done more? Was I wrong when I did this or that? and so on. It is abusive and it is horrible that the Judges let it happen.  It was explained to me post trial that the Crown is held to a level of decorum because, well it is representing the Crown, but Defence Lawyers are not held to this standard.  They can make cheap shots, they can laugh behind the Crowns back (yes that happened), they can throw temper tantrums (yes that happened too) and they can yell at victims (yup, it happened) and the Judge will not bat an eye.  It is sickly accepted and guess what? The Crown is not allowed to warn you ahead of time of this behaviour, so please let my testimony be enough to tell you that games are definitely played in Sexual Assault Trials.

The Defence  banks on an old text book idea of how a sexual assault victim will behave.  They will outline to the Jury that a female victim should be able to physically stop a sexual assault (lets just say that is nearly impossible, most males are physically bigger and stronger than their victim) and that when it is all over she should be in the mind frame to get herself to a hospital, be checked by a doctor and file a Police report right away.  After the assault they should behave in a certain way, not have future relationships, would never have contact with their rapist again and should not act out of character. The thing is, that’s not how trauma works. Majority of reported sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows and in most cases it is someone in their home.  So lets play this out.  Someone you love assaults you and probably threatens you to keep quiet.  They may threaten to hurt your children or take them away from you.  They may threaten to hurt  or kill you or a family pet. They will say whatever horrible thing it is that they have to say to keep quiet because they do not want to be exposed. That is traumatizing and most victims will believe what their rapist says will happen if they speak up. This person has just used great physical force and hurt them in unbelievable ways so what proof is there that they will not follow through with the other threats they make? There is none.  So most victims will stay quiet.  Many may talk about it later. It could be years later when they are strong enough or something else in their life triggers them and pushes them to talk about it. Hence why we have no statute of limitations on Sexual Assaults in Canada.  In fact the majority of reported Sexual Assaults are reported long after the fact.  So the fact that the Defence still leads the jury to believe the “text book” way a victim should react is completely false. It is also important to know that the victim will probably feel tons of shame around the assault.  They will worry that others will see them as tarnished, dirty or broken and they don’t want to be seen that way so they keep quiet.  There are also many who black out or are not completely present during the assault so details are fuzzy.  I know that as the assaults in my marriage continued the details became fuzzy.  In order to cope with the ongoing assaults I often separated myself from them and was not present.  It is an extremely common survival instinct in Survivors of sexual assault.  Our brain is amazing and it will do whatever it has to, to help you survive.

The Majority of Sexual Assaults do not result in a conviction.  That was the situation in my case.  Most sexual assaults happen in private and become a “He said, She said” case. Even though my ex verbally admitted to me that he knew what he was doing to me I did not have any physical proof of that.  Just my account of the incident. I had told his cousin about it shortly after the confession, but when questioned by the RCMP she lied and said she had no memory of me telling her that or about any of the many assaults. Without physical proof it is so hard to prove a sexual assault. As a result so many rapists, like my ex, get to walk away and probably hurt someone else in the future.

I have often asked myself if I regret coming forward. Despite the trauma from the trial I am still glad I came forward.  Irregardless of the outcome I did hold my ex accountable for the horrible things he did.  I shined a light on the darkness and exposed him for who he is.  Something he used to scream at me to never do because we were married.  I spoke up for simply that reason, because he told me to keep quiet and I refuse to do that.  I refuse to enable his abusive behaviours. Should you come forward if you are assaulted? I cannot answer that.  I know society tells us to speak up when we are sexually assaulted so that the rapist can be punished. I agree with that.  We should not protect abusers. In saying that though our Legal System needs to change.  It needs to stop putting victims on trial.  It needs to start putting the perpetrator on trial.  Examine their actions before and after the incident.  Examine what they do and say. Put them under the micro scope.  Maybe then we would get somewhere with this unspeakable crime. If you have suffered this unspeakable crime my heart cries out to you.  My word of advice is to do what you feel is right.  Do what you need to do to  heal in a healthy way.    It is not an easy road, I know that, but I do believe you can get through this.  Reach out for support. Go to a Sexual Assault Centre or call a Hotline, tell a friend. You did nothing wrong and you most certainly did not deserve this.  You are loved and you are beautiful, please remember that.

 

Peace,

Janet

– On a side note I am proud to say that my blog has been featured in the Top 30 Domestic Violence Blogs on Feedspot! Please go to http://blog.feedspot.com/domestic_violence_blogs/ to check it out! My blog was also featured on Open Forest as one of five must read blogs about Domestic Abuse.  Check it out at https://openforest.net/domestic-abuse-5-must-read-blogs/

 

How do you trust after abuse? 

Trust. Trust is something most of us have when we are in a relationship with someone. Whether it’s family, friendship or a romantic relationship there is an understanding that you trust the other person. It’s almost a given. What happens though if you have been abused? How do you trust after someone you trusted and possibly loved hurt you in undescribable ways? Let me tell you, it’s not easy. 

Trust. Trust is something most of us have when we are in a relationship with someone. Whether it’s family, friendship or a romantic relationship there is an understanding that you trust the other person. It’s almost a given. Trust starts when we are a helpless newborn. We trust that our parents will care for us. That they will feed us and keep us warm. What happens though if you have been abused? How do you trust after someone you trusted and possibly loved hurt you in undescribable ways? Let me tell you, it’s not easy. 

  Twenty two years ago I met a man whom I fell in love with. We eventually married and had a family. Under the grace of God I should have been able to trust him. I should have been able to trust him with our children’s lives and my own. We were married,  we were one flesh under the eyes of God, so of all the people out there I should have been able to trust him with my life. I did give him that trust, I handed my life and my care over to him, but what did he do? 

He abused me and our children. 

He threatened my life. 

To top it all off, he enjoyed hurting me! (which was apparent when he smirked when I cried). 

It was a sick marriage and one that I left just over six years ago. 

How do I trust after that? How does any Survivor of abuse trust again? It’s a pretty tall order, but believe it or not it can be done. What do you have to do? 

Baby steps. 

When I first ended my marriage my world closed in around me. I struggled to focus, to get out of bed and I was scared of everything. I “hid” from the world in my bed. After suffering this way for a year, I was diagnosed with PTSD and Deep Depressive Disorder.  Medication helped my moods, but they didn’t build my trust in others. In my head, my husband had hurt me in unbelievable ways, what was stopping some stranger from hurting me too? I barely trusted anyone. 

During this time I started a new relationship.  It was a new relationship with someone from my past, my Highschool sweetheart. We had  a history that had been built on trust. I knew that in many ways I could still trust him, but there were also parts of me that made him earn my trust. It took time for me to learn that if we had an argument it didn’t mean he would beat me. It took time for me to know that if he carried my son to his room it didn’t mean he was going to hurt him, it just meant that my young son was being put on a time out. With each incident that happened that was free of abuse I relearned that I could trust him. In time I realized he was there to protect me and care for me and the same for my children. He gave me what I never had before; safety. 

Once I trusted my new/old Beau he became the person I felt most safe with in my day to day life. If I went out I was calm if he was there. If he wasn’t there I was soon feeling panicky and running home to hide. It took another two years for me to be comfortable on my own outside of our home. At one point we moved to a new town and home. Next door we had a lovely single, retired woman and soon she became a family friend. I was ok if I went over there with my boyfriend, but the thought of going without him brought sheer panic upon me. My heart pounded and my legs shook. I wanted to visit with her.  I wanted to be friends and logically I knew she wouldn’t hurt me, but I couldn’t seem to set my foot outside my front door to see her on my own. 

Trust. It was all about trust. The world had become a scary place, a place where I now expected to get hurt everyone. 

Then one day I did it. One day I gave myself  serious talking to and asked myself if my neighbour had ever shown that she would purposely hurt me or had she been kind and caring at every visit? I realized it had always been the later. I also realized that my life was going to be pretty lonely if I didn’t at least try to put my foot out that front door on my own. 

So I did it! I went to my neighbours on my own and we have developed a lovely friendship. With that friendship and others I have made I have become stronger and now I can go to the grocery store on my own without having a panic attack. I can visit with others and make friends. Looking back over these last two years I see how I have started to trust the world around me a little bit more. Yes I still get overwhelmed at times. Yes I still have times I want to hide and yes there are times when I still do, but I am here to tell you that there can be trust after abuse.  Just take it one baby step at a time. Watch peoples actions over their words and most importantly listen to your gut. Your gut will tell you the truth about a person. 

Peace, 

Janet 

– On a side note I am proud to say that my blog has been featured in the Top 30 Domestic Violence Blogs on Feedspot! Please go to http://blog.feedspot.com/domestic_violence_blogs/ to check it out!